Questions build Understanding

The biggest challenge to any relationship is a statement, that sounds like a judgment. It is also important to note that it is more important to listen than to speak. Here are some points to ponder...  and to come to terms with:

Understanding improves relationships 

• How often have our conversations run into a roadblock, and then drifted into nothingness.... ? 
• Have you experienced a period of uneasy silence when someone said something that sounded like they had labelled you? 
• Isn't it true that each person has a viewpoint? Isn't it also true that many of those viewpoints do not agree with ours? How then do we figure out who is right... or do each of us just believe that we represent the truth, and that the other is not as smart as we are? 
• How often have we tried to understand, before trying to be understood? 
• Isn't it a fact, that we think we know exactly what is right... and more tragically... have we not realized that we are sometimes wrong? 

The source of most confrontations, and broken relationships ... is MISUNDERSTANDING. 

What can we do to have more UNDERSTANDING? 

Simple... 

Stop making statements. 
Statements only show what you 'know'. 

Start asking Better Questions.
Questions are the key to KNOW MORE!  

Consider the following options, and check which is a better - Making statements, or Asking Questions. Do also check how the meaning of the communication changes when we stress on the words in CAPS. 

You are ALWAYS LATE for meetings! 

Could we please arrive ON TIME for the meetings? 

You NEVER listen! 
How could we ensure that we LISTEN to each other? 

You ALWAYS think YOU are right! 
Do you believe you are right EVERY time? 

You oppose EVERY thing I say! 
Could you try to agree with me SOMETIMES? 

This relationship is a WASTE of time. 
How can we work towards a BETTER relationship? 
Is there something we can do to IMPROVE our relationship? 

You NEVER appreciate me. 
Do you think you could appreciate me ONCE in a WHILE? 

Just being aware that our statements could appear to be judgments could help us to use the more powerful alternative of asking questions. Also, when we pause and listen carefully to what the other person is REALLY saying... rather than trying to figure out how we could justify what we know... then, we should improve not only our ability to understand the other person better... but hopefully... we will also enhance the quality of our relationships. The trick here is to ask our inner voice to shut up... and to listen intently. 

Don't you think we all deserve better? Don't you think we could all be happier? 

Ian Faria. 

The Power of Friendliness

A flower can bloom alone, but a bunch is so much better.

A single rose can be my garden... a single friend, my world.Leo Buscaglia 

The quote by Leo Buscaglia is amazing... but that is not how the human psyche was programmed. It was programmed to connect, to stay connected... and to thrive from the connections. 

Man... by nature, is a social animal. He survives and thrives better when grouped with others.  

Unfortunately, with a world that is racing to achieve success, it is breaking the speed limits and it is forgetting the purpose of the journey. Man, is slowly forgetting that it is in his DNA to be connected to each other. 

Can we do something to get back to our inherent nature? 

Can we learn to be friendly? 

While waiting at a rather small and insignificant airport, which did not even have a snack counter, let alone a book store, I made up my mind to study how people - who did not know each other - communicated. 

I was pleasantly surprised to see one gentleman who was in his early forties, who began his first conversation with another gentleman who was about the same age. This happened while they were waiting at the check in counter. The conversation started with a simple comment about how small the airport was, and how it was different from the other airports across India. It was apparent from the conversation that both of them were salesmen. They spoke louder than normal, and did not worry too much about whether others could hear them. When a couple of foreign tourists joined the line, they struck up a conversation with the lady - who seemed to be looking for some information. Pretty interesting! In less than two minutes, 4 people who were strangers were able to chat up as though they knew each other from some earlier meeting. 

As they checked in and waited to board the flight, other people also gravitated towards the 'friendly' people and soon there were at least another 4 additional people who intermittently joined into the conversation. Strangers had apparently shrugged off their Indian aloofness and had seemingly decided to explore casual, animated conversations. 

What makes people talk to strangers? 

My first submission is that a person needs a reasonably strong belief in SELF. People with a good level of Self Esteem are confident and can hold their own in most situations. These people are quick to make friends and do not hesitate to do so. 

Is it easy to make friends? 

Yes! it is really very easy. The trick is to start with 'small talk'. 

Do not speak about things that could be controversial or issues that could lead to a sticky situation. Speaking about the venue, the event, the surroundings, the weather... or ask for help or directions. These are great ways to open a conversation with someone. Of course it helps to have a pleasant smile... and a voice that sounds friendly. Maintaining eye contact - that is open and non-threatening - is ideal. 

Making friends is easy.. when you have the ability to break ice, and it gets easier with practice. Make up your mind to speak to two strangers every day, and soon you will be a pro at making friends. 

Here are some views that you can mull over: 

If a man does not make new acquaintances as he advances through life, he will soon find himself left alone. A man, sir, should keep his friendship in a constant repair.

Samuel Johnson 

Trouble is a sieve through which we sift our acquaintances. Those too big to pass through are our friends.
Arlene Francis 

Acquaintances become friends, and friends should last for a lifetime. 

I wish each of you a few thousand acquaintances and a few hundred friends. 

Ian Faria. 

Visibility - First step to Leadership

I am a motivational speaker and I love what I do. 

Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark. You know what you are doing, but nobody does. Steuart Henderson Britt. 

In a world that is moving ahead at a frenetic pace... we all want to succeed. However, the first step in succeeding is to understand that we are not going to succeed unless we connect with and use our network. But even before that... we have to be seen ... to be noticed and recognized. 

A neighbour of mine is a fine young man who has a lot to offer the world. However, until he joined a training programme of mine, I was not aware that he was intelligent, articulate and has the attributes to be a good leader. If only he had taken the time to meet me and speak to me earlier... I would probably have seen his value a lot earlier. 

Value that is hidden... is no value at all. 

Are you Visible enough? 

Value that is Visible has Potential to be useful.

Does anyone know what VALUE you have, and how it can help them? 

Here are some ways to let others know you are around, and you have value that they may require. 

1. Smile, connect... say Hello... (neighbours, fellow club or association members, colleagues) Know people by name. 

2. Visiting cards - These have value when they are exchanged, and not while they are in the box. Get to know the other person's company... and their designation. But ... more importantly you know the value they have... and correspondingly... they will want to know yours. 

3. SMS's - Motivating messages or funny one liners are great. Send them to people you know well. It is a reminder that you are around. Ensure that these valuable, and add to your stature. Do not send a plethora of messages... you do not want to create irritation. Too much of a good thing is good for nothing. 

4. Internet Connect. Respond to people on your friend list. A simple LIKE will show that you are reading the messages/posts. A positive comment will add a little more value. Share an article of interest to people who may need it. 

5. Write blogs on your domain expertise. Put up a link of this on Linkedin and Twitter... so that you can be found easily on a search. 

There are umpteen ways to be noticed.... offer to do a vote of thanks, prepare a short talk on something that you are great at... and deliver it at Rotary Clubs, Lions Clubs or Toastmasters... 

Come on people .. it is time to be noticed! When you are noticed... move up the value chain and be recognized. 

You are on this planet for a purpose... and your value is meant to be circulated and beneficial to others. 

Your value is useful to others, and others will want it. 

How will they know of your goodness... unless you flaunt it? 

Have a super day... and a successful year ahead. 

Ian Faria

Seek first to understand

Could a relationship be damaged, because of a statement that was made without thinking? 

Consider this.... conversation... (the background thoughts are in italics, and bound by parentheses). 

SHE: You surely do not love me anymore. (You do not even call me while you are at work)
HE: Of course I do! (what the hell is she talking about?) 

SHE: You are only saying that because you have no answer. (Then tell me why you do not show your love for me?) 

HE: You always jump to your own conclusions. (She is pushing for a fight it seems....)

SHE: Talking with you is like talking to a stranger. (He really does not love me anymore) 

HE: I am the same... you are the one who has changed. (She can't just blame me like that... ) and since we are strangers anyway... maybe you should look for a better partner! (I have had enough of the nagging and the accusations) 

SHE: You're right... maybe I should. (I am tired of his threats and constant taunts... but I wonder why he is he so snappy all the time... ? )  

If only the couple had to sit down calmly and explained their feelings to each other.. and then asked some simple questions, the conversation would have been a lot clearer, and both would have understood each other better. Lets see how this could have been different... 


SHE: How was your day honey? You must have been awfully busy? (There must be a reason why he isn't calling me)
HE: Not really honey... but my boss has dumped a lot of work on me this week. (Wonder why she is asking me such a leading question... but let's not jump to conclusions... instead let me give her the benefit of doubt) 

SHE: Is that why you don't get the time to make a short call and find out how I am doing? (Might as well get to the point... ) 

HE: How could you say that darling...? You know I love you and want to talk to you so many times a day... but of late... it just hasn't been happening. How about you calling me ... so that I can hear your sexy voice... ? (She is right... I used to call her 10 times a day... but let me not commit to anything just yet... maybe i can share some of the responsibility of connecting with her...) 

SHE: Sure... but I know you are busy most of the time. Anyway... what is the best time to call you at work? (Now I have permission to call him... wouldn't that be fun?)


As you can see.. the second conversation is a lot friendlier... than the first one. The difference is that the couple now wants to understand the other ... rather than jump to conclusions. This is based on a simple tenet that ... 

Change occurs in a second. 

We call that second of change a DEFINING MOMENT. 

Each of us has changed quite a few times in such a manner...So if we can change  then our spouse/children should also have the privilege to change, right? How can we give the other.. the benefit of doubt... and ask QUESTIONS... instead of making judgments and saying things that we could regret for a long time? 

Let's understand some basic tenets of any meaningful relationship... 

1. When we love someone, we must trust and respect them. 

2. People change continually... so we should not hold them to yesterday's standards. 

3. When we change the way we look at things ... the things we look at change. Let's therefore look at people with FRESH EYES. 

4. The best way to get someone to change is for us to TAKE the FIRST STEP. 

5. The universe works on reciprocity. If we give something.. we are bound to get something similar in return... (with interest - as the universe always ensures a good ROI - Return on Investment) 

6. Relationships are not meant to be 50:50 - so lets not reduce them to business transactions. 

7. If we love someone... then we do not keep scores. Similarly we do not wait for repayment. 

8. When we operate from TRUST... we show that we too are trustworthy. 

9. When we focus on the good in the other... the other naturally follows the same paradigm. 

10. Love is giving ... until it hurts... and this follows an old adage... no pain, no gain. 

Relationships should be looked at from the point of giving ... and not waiting for an ROI. Doing anything less is reducing the relationship to a deal. This is what reduces trust and faith... and it messes up even the best relationships. 

Lets seek first to understand the other... as that puts us back in the drivers seat. Isn't that a great place to be... ? 

I wish you well ... as you take your relationships to a totally new level. 

Ian Faria. 

  

Posture reveals Stature

Isn't it amazing that we are able to gauge which people to trust and which ones to stay away from in less than 30 seconds according to a report in The Guardian? A study from the University of California, Berkley suggests that this can be done in less than 20 seconds. 

What does this mean for us? 

Well for starters, we should be aware that people judge is very quickly. It is imperative, therefore that we are aware of what people pick up and how they judge us. 

1. Posture. 

The first gauge of a person is how they carry themselves. 

That's me - relaxing before a presentation. 

• How they stand. A confident person stands with an upright posture, and with shoulders pulled back. A person with low confidence normally is with shoulders slouched, and a little hunched. 
• How they sit. Upright and seated on the edge of the chair shows interest. Slouched in the chair and leaning back show disinterest. Being relaxed in a chair and not posturing is a sign of not needing to impress, but comfortable in knowing that one has been there and done that. 

2. Gait

How we walk indicates whether we are enthusiastic, happy, depressed... people who are on a mission... or people in love ... have a spring in their step and it is as if they are waling on air. People who are down... and troubled... have a slow walk... and looks like they are aimlessly pulling themselves through the paces. 

3. Full Frontal Look

When people look at us sideways, they are showing lack of self esteem. People who are confident normally look at us directly... and ideally with the shoulders squared off. Look at people's head position and see if they are looking directly at you... eye to eye... and you will be able to tell a lot about them. Eye contact reveals a lot about a person. Whatever you do, do not stare at people. 

4. Facial Expressions

People who are very expressive on the face... are considered to be open and transparent. People who are stoic are thought to be closed and secretive. Using facial expressions... is a good way for people to get additional cues to read you. Using exaggerated or unnecessary expressions is seen as fake. 

5. Handshake

A warm handshake is a sign of confidence. A bone crushing one... is a sign of bravado.. and immaturity. A dead fish handshake is a clear sign of a lack of confidence. Be aware that the handshake is a great way for people who are kinesthetic... to read your warmth and friendliness. How long you continue the handshake is also giving off indication of your intentions. Keep the socially acceptable norms. Here is a great article from Women's Business that is pretty good to read. For those who like video... try Dianne Gottsman's tips. And if you want to see the 10 types of handshake and how they are perceived... check it out. 

These are only some of the attributes to work on ... and they will give you results. If you have any questions... feel free to comment on this blog... and I would be happy to reply. 

Meanwhile... have a positive, confident life. 

Ian Faria. 

You own the message

On a day to day basis, we blame people for MISUNDERSTANDING US. We are prone to passing the buck... as we surely know what we said... and we often wonder why people are deliberately trying to 'twist the message'. 

While watching one of India's leading News Channels recently, I was appalled at the way the anchor was repeatedly heckling one of his guests on the channel. Whatever the guest said... the news anchor kept repeating his charge... almost trying to beat the guest into admitting some form of guilt. Expecting a TV News Anchor to listen effectively is normal. It is the anchor's professional role to establish exactly what is being stated. However, in real life, expecting ALL our listeners to understand every message is like expecting every cow to jump over the moon. It is never going to happen. 

Are we then doomed to living a life where we take our chances on what our listeners hear? 

Is it the responsibility of the speaker to ensure that his message reaches with little or no distortion? 

Communication is an art form that has to be worked on consistently, because each of us understands things from our own filter of education, reference and experience. Communication is really not as easy as putting words to our thoughts. If we speak to a few people... each of them will understand a different version of what we said. It is clearly our responsibility - to ensure that we are understood properly. 

How do we ENSURE that we are UNDERSTOOD? 

Well... here are some ideas:

1. Speak Slow and clear 
Many people speak fast, in the hope that they will not forget what they want to say. It may be a lot better to speak less... and be understood entirely, than to speak fast... and not be properly understood. Remember that the listener has to hear the message, and create a picture of what you are saying, before storing that picture away in our memory banks. Pausing adequately between phrases... and longer between sentences will make a world of difference to how you are understood. 

2. Keep it Short and Simple 
Use short words, monosyllabic if possible, and try to deliver short sentences too. The underlying principle should be LESS is MORE! In trying to impress others with big words and convoluted sentences, we often mess up the message entirely. 

3. Have a Clear Message
Very often I find people speaking whatever comes to mind. They jump from one point to another... not having the faintest clue as to where they are... or where they are heading. If there is no clarity in the speaker's mind, how much clarity can there be in the listeners mind? 

4. Use Holistic Delivery
Every message should be created using all the skills we have at our disposal. We should use:

• Voice to convey the mood 
• Gestures and Body language add meaning to the words
• Eye contact and facial expressions add additional subtle cues as to what is being said. 
• The message should flow from what the speakers know... to what you want them to know (fresh information or reinforcing something they already know). 

5. Paraphrase to confirm 
It would be so much simpler for relationships if the parties involved just took an extra minute or two to clarify what they actually meant. If you are the speaker, do take responsibility for how the message is received, even going to the extent of asking the listener what they heard. Maybe you could say "I hope I was able to clearly convey the message to you? If they answer in the affirmative, then you could ask for clarity by gently stating.... "Just to ensure that we understand each other, could you please tell me what you heard?" 

The purpose of communicating is to convey what we have in our minds and to make a photocopy of that message in the mind/s of those we are speaking to. Lets work on the art of communicating effectively, because those who take the trouble to do so... gain more power... and they rise faster up the corporate ladder. Naturally they also have better relationships. 

May your communication be better with each passing day, and may you always be understood.   


Ian Faria. 

Speaking & Confidence

Is there a connection between Confidence and Success? 

What are the Worst Fears? 

What is Glossophobia? 

It is the fear of Public Speaking. 

Well ... having trained a few thousand people in the soft skills that lead to success, I can prove that people can transform there lives by focusing on the 2 C's - 

Confidence and Communication Skills. 

CONFIDENCE 

When we are able to believe in ourselves and we know that we have what it takes to succeed, we start to relate to the world as a winner. Because of this changed approach, we start to achieve what we want, and success seems only a matter of doing whatever is required. 

What does it take to bring out self confidence in someone who is apprehensive and diffident? 

In a recent public speaking programme I conducted, I asked participants to share what they expected to gain. The sharing was going well, until it came to the turn of a lady who suddenly burst out into tears, and said that she was forced to come to the programme. Actually, the lady's husband enrolled her to improve her confidence. I overlooked the tears and spoke calmly to the lady, saying.. that it was okay to cry, and she would soon be more confident. I put the lady at ease, by speaking in Hindi (National language of India) and telling her, that it was ok to be scared of the programme, but I guaranteed her that she would be fine, and if the programme did not work for her, then it was not her failure, but mine. I also told her that I was very very confident of making her a good speaker in just a few hours. Surprisingly, the entire group also rallied around and assured the lady that she was not the only one who feared public speaking. They also assured her that the group would all be journeying together, and each would support and be supported by the others through the 8 week programme. She soon regained her composure. For the next half hour or so... we  continued with the workshop and in between I casually asked her for her opinion on some of the speeches done by the other participants. The incident was now behind us, and the lady too seemed to have forgotten it. We were all surprised when she volunteered to speak... and she did a reasonably good job. For the rest of the session, the lady participated wholeheartedly in the speeches and discussions. In less than 4 hours, she had transformed herself from a scared caterpillar... into a butterfly on a mission to improve herself. 

The joy on the husband's face when he came to pick her up after the programme was a treat to behold. Transformation happens all the time... and I often wonder why people do not back themselves adequately. Why do we not have faith in our own abilities? Why do we think that we cannot speak in public? My philosophy is that if we can speak on an interpersonal level, we can surely speak to a crowd. After all... PUBLIC SPEAKING is only PRIVATE SPEAKING in PUBLIC SPACE. 

Are you ready to ... 

Improve your confidence, and grow your stature? 

In my next blog... I will share some of the finer points of public speaking and how anyone can learn what it takes to be an effective communicator. 

Till then... have faith in yourself, and remember, that your fear of Public Speaking cannot be removed by thinking about it, but by practically facing your fear, and doing more of Public Speaking. Fear can be eliminated ... and Eleanor Roosevelt has shared some great advice... 

“Do one thing every day that scares you.” 

“I believe that anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do ...” 

I wish you more confidence... and assure you that I will be there to walk you through your fear... so feel free to ask questions... or clarify any doubts you may have. But... most of all... speak up... and change your life. 

Sincerely, 

Ian Faria.